Bye Bye Havana, Hello USA

In a major security breach; the six Guantanamo Bay terror suspects that arrived in the US for trial Tuesday, have turned out to be asylum seekers from the Cuban national boxing team.

House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio had already labeled Tuesday's move "the first step in the Democrats' plan to import terrorists into America.”  “It’s an outrage” he told reporters in Washington. “It’s that commi bastard Castro again; we should have paid someone to kill him a long time ago; well someone to do it right anyway. Bringing our prisoners, in our war, to our country, W T F is that nigger thinking about. We didn’t even get their best fighters.”

When asked about his hopes for the future in his new country; one of the Cuban boxers, middleweight Andre Berto said. “I’d like to win a World title, maybe Dancing with the stars, who knows?”

     The whereabouts of the six accused terrorists is uncertain but they are believed to be heading to “Rebel haven,” Nicaragua, where President Daniel Ortega has a 14 hour speech planned for later today.

     The US congress recently passed a bill to double social security benefits to anyone over the age of 65, willing to leave the country permanently.

     “This will reduce our medical bills by $35 billion annually, President Obama said “The elderly deserve a better life and affordable healthcare in their twilight years, and that’s just not the American way.”

     Speaking from her new home in Kingston, Jamaica, with her 18 yr old Rastafarian boyfriend; a beaming, 69 year old Mildred Thompson said, “The extra money will come in great, I haven’t had it so hard in years”.

     North Korea recently opened its first pizza restaurant.

Protests have been strong in recent months over too much foreign culture, but President Kim Jong Il feels the naming of the chain “The C word.” will give it a much more nationalistic flavor.

     With the US government introducing wage and bonus limits at all government bailout companies, the exodus of top executives has not upset everyone. ‘Old Willy’ bathroom attendant at AIG for over 40 years was recently promoted to head of mortgage securities.

When asked if he thought the position was beyond his capabilities, Willie said “No boss; It’s all shit, just a different set of crackers.”

     In entertainment news, David Letterman has signed with CBS for two more years.

“I’m going kick that ginger mick’s ass” he said “The only thing funny about him is that mop on his head.” referring to NBC late night talk show host Conan Obrien.

     O’Brien seemed undeterred by Letterman‘s comments. “Never underestimate the American public or their sense of humor,” he said. “They elected Bush twice didn’t they?”

     Paris Hilton and Soccer star Christiano Ronaldo have reportedly been hanging out. Ronaldo is about to sign for Real Madrid for a record $100 million; skyrocketing his salary, to make him the highest paid player in the sport that doesn’t talk like a girl.

     Hilton’s longtime best friend Nicole Ritchie said “I’m so happy for her; if there’s one thing that girl loves it’s a sizable increase.”

     In sports, the home run surge at the new Yankee stadium has been taken totally off the shoulders of the New York hitters.

     Meteorologist Tim Buckley of AccuWeather said. "The barrage of home runs at the new Yankee Stadium is being caused by shorter dimensions. There is no reason to think that any of these over paid son of a bitches are doing anything better than last year.”

     Yankee owner George Steinbrenner, unable to hide his dismay over his team’s poor start to the season said “I think the team is about to turn a corner, and disappear up its own ass.”